Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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