I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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