If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
