I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
