You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
