You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
