Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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