I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
