Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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