If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My vagina just clenched in fear
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