I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
