Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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