3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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