he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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