you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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