i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
