My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
