i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
