I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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