Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
