he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
