Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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