I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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