xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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