Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
