You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
pray to the hookup gods
Do you have feelings for this penis?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
