I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
