So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
