i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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