I hate your face
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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