oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
