So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
