Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
