she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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