just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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