Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
