I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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