I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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