I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
