Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
