Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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