Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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