the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
In America we eat man semen.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
