he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
