What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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