I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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