I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
