Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
