Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
