I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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